I, Tyler Miller, resolve to put my mind, body and soul to the following tasks:
Call my friends more often.
Watch less television.
Read more news, whether in print or on the Kindle, and on the overall promote high quality journalism.
Drink more wine, thus furthering the endeavors of honest, decent grape-farmers worldwide.
Read more science fiction, specifically the collected stories of J.G. Ballard and the Dangerous Visions anthologies edited by Harlan Ellison.
Watch The Proposal, at the behest of my best friend, who claims the film breaks the boundaries of its basic Sandra Bullock, chic-flick formula and is therefore a quality film worth two hours of my life.
Write something worth reading.
Seduce Penelope Cruz.
Control myself in the presence of Republicans by reminding myself they are an extinct species and they just don't know it yet.
Stop feeling guilty for mentally humming along to Fergie's "Mary Jane Shoes," because man is powerless in the face of a catchy tune...Ohh, my Mary Janes...
Drink more green tea by telling myself that two billion Chinese people can't be wrong.
Seduce Natalie Portman.
Listen to every Bruce Springsteen album in order from Greetings from Asbury Park through to Working on a Dream, in a single day.
Ride my Harley every day of the summer, thus doing my part in promoting further global-warming and all around bad-assness worldwide.
Recycle something, starting with something small, like a bottle cap, as a concession to society's insistence that the size of my eco-footprint is a reliable measure of the blackness of my soul.
Watch more of the films of Tinto Brass in an attempt to further understand his philosophy that "While a woman's face may be deceitful, an ass never lies."
Seduce Scarlett Johansson.
Test my theory that three people really can fit easily in the trunk of my car.
Gather a sizable pile of Twilight novels, light them on fire, and blame it on the spontaneous combustion which happens when you keep the passion of young girls locked within the chastity of decayed morality and bad prose.
Watch the films of Meryl Streep in an attempt to identify the most outrageous line the woman ever uttered (current contenders: "It was hot as a stiff cock." from Julie and Julia and "I like a lot of semen." from It's Complicated).
Further extrapolate on my theory that had F. Scott Fitzgerald lived he may have ranked out as a better writer than either Hemingway or Faulkner.
Seduce Olivia Wilde.
3 comments:
Thank you for responding and sharing. I found your list of resolutions very entertaining, but I have to say, the part about trying to fit three people in your trunk is a bit creepy. I would like further explanation, but of course if you choose not to, I promise not to avoid being alone with you just yet ;).
For a LOTR quote to follow your seduction plans: "Not with 10,000 men could you do this.."
And:
"It'll be the death of the hobbits!"
That is what first popped into mind. Cheers!
Go to npr.org and check out their little spoof on "Learn to Speak Tea Bag"!! Just it into their search box.
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