Wolfman's Got Nards!

I’ve been complaining for about a year and a half now about the low quality of the films I see hitting the theaters and my local video rental store. There was a time when you could rely on a quality director, a top tier actor, an award winning screenwriter, but it seems those days have come and gone.

I know, I’ve got a high bar for movie excellence, and I’ve got particular tastes, but it doesn’t seem to matter what I’ve been checking out these days. Comedy, action, horror, adventure, on and on…film after film just sucks. Flat out. Sucks.

So I’ve been on a long ride of watching old films from the 80’s, the stuff I grew up watching but haven’t seen in some ten years or more. At first, I wasn’t sure how well some of this stuff would hold up (there isn’t much from the 80’s that does), but I’ve been pleasantly surprised, because as it turns out much of these films are actually well made and, gasp!, they’re entertaining and fun to watch.

Last night I pulled out The Monster Squad, an old favorite of mine I didn’t think I’d ever see again, but lo and behold I found the 20^th Anniversary Edition at Wal-Mart on DVD. Who knew?

This little gem has been long forgotten by just about everyone who wasn’t between 5 and 12 years old in the late 80’s. For that particular slice of a generation, however, most of us remember this film with fond half-shudders.

The plot is as simple (and laughable) as can be. Dracula has returned to modern day Smallville, USA, and he’s brought back all his buddies (Frankenstein, the Mummy, the Werewolf, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon). They are (what else?) hellbent on conquering the world by upsetting the cosmic balance of Good and Evil.

Of course, in classic 80’s fashion, all the adults are clueless. The Werewolf (as a man) actually walks into the police station and demands to be locked up because, well, he’s a damn werewolf. And of course the cops don’t believe him.

A couple of pilots carrying Dracula’s coffin actually encounter the Count as he escapes from the airplane…and do nothing.

In the 80’s, if the world needed saving, you didn’t call the adults.

You called The Monster Squad, a group of pre-adolescents obsessed with monsters and dedicated to their destruction. Here we find more classic 80’s, the absolutely awful wardrobes, the absolutely bitchin tree fort, the brave leader of the group who never falters and is never scared (and who wears the cooler than cool red T-shirt that sports: Stephen King Rules), the fat kid who cheerfully downs extra helpings of pie, the Bad Boy who rides a beat-up old bicycle but wears a leather jacket and smokes Luckies.

Of course, the Squad instantly recognizes the danger, puts together the pieces of the puzzle the adults are all too dense to construct, and sets out to do something about saving the world. American shop class becomes a weapons manufacturing center as the kids sharpen wooden stakes and melt their mother’s good silver china to form silver bullets.

“What’s the two ways to kill a werewolf?”

“Silver bullet.”

“And the second?”

“There’s a second way to kill a werewolf?”

One of the best scenes comes when the Werewolf is blown to pieces by a stick of dynamite…and then all the pieces proceed to slide back together and reform. There really is only one way to kill a werewolf.

This movie is unabashedly what it is: cheesy, clumsy, corny, and outrageous. It’s also funny as hell, fun to watch, entertaining, and it holds up well all these years later. You can’t help but like these kids, and in spite of its flaws the film reminds you of a time when you watched movies because they were fun, a time when you didn’t give two shits about the message or what it said about the state of the world. It’s escapist, sure, but it’s also amazingly accurate (not the monsters, but the kids).

My favorite scene in the film comes as the boys are hiding in the bushes outside Dracula’s mansion. At this point, Frankenstein has switched sides and is hunkering in the bushes with them. Fat Kid is whining about not wanting to go inside, and Frankenstein is muttering in his monosyllabic style.

“Fat Kid, you’re a wuss.”

Franksenstein looks puzzled. “W-w-w-wuss?”

The Fearless Leader glances over his shoulder. “Can it, Frank.”

While this one never won any awards and won’t be well remembered by anyone who wasn’t a kid in the 80’s, it’s a blast, and it works its magic even now. Thank god someone had the smarts to put it out on DVD.