Gregory House is my hero.
An odd choice, I realize, but ever since I started watching House I’ve come to terms with a number of realizations. One, House is my favorite show. Of. All. Time. Second, it is compulsively watchable. Once begun, I was watching two, three episodes per night, planning my life two weeks out in anticipation of my next trip to Wal-Mart to buy Season Two, Season Three, circling the coming glory day on my calendar. Third, I finally discovered someone on television who reminds me of myself, which means I have finally joined the jubilant millions of home-viewers reclining blissfully on aging couch cushions from the Pacific to the Atlantic, stone-zoned night to night in front of the boob-tube, ecstatic in my connection with this character inside the light-box who’s just like me (at least, sort of).
It’s already affecting my life.
I’ve taken to making sarcastic comments in the face of obvious questions, a habit I’d worked for years to erase from my repertoire. No more. Now that I’m House-ified, the sarcasm flies. It zings. It whizzes. And, baby, it burns.
I started keeping containers of Tic-Tacs in my pocket, conveniently half-loaded so I could take them out at random and rattle the container. Finding this unimpressive, I moved them into an old prescription-med bottle, all those fine little white breath mints a convincing Vicadin impersonator.
I even talk like House. I can’t stop saying “Differential diagnosis,” which is a phrase that just sounds badass no matter how you use it.
I took my truck to the shop when the clutch went out. My mechanic popped the hood, stuck in his head. I leaned over his shoulder.
“Differential diagnosis for a screaming clutch?”
I got pulled over last week. The cop tapped my window politely with his thumb. I rolled it down.
“Differential diagnosis, Officer, for why you pulled me over?”
I woke up on my day off with a mean hunger. I opened the cupboards and stared down at the dog.
“Differential diagnosis, Tito, for Sunday breakfast?”
Try it out. It’s addictive.
But most of all, I find myself wanting to do things because of watching House. Here’s a short list of my current inspirations:
I want to go back to wearing beard-stubble.
Greg just looks good unshaven. I just look good unshaven. And you wonder what else we have in common.
I want to play the piano.
I’m already a loner, and playing the piano when you’re all alone just seems sexy.
I want a friend like
I want a cane.
Two ideas to think about: You can hit people with it. Sympathy-sex. Ponder this for a while and ask yourself if I’m on the wrong track.
If nothing else, you ought to do yourself a favor. Buy Season One and watch it. You won’t be sorry.
7 comments:
i want to learn how to play piano and the guitar... and since you have a guitar and you want to learn how to play the piano.. i think its just two things we might have to learn together :) yes??
differential diagnosis...o.k. son the only answer is therapy..lots of it:) however I seriously must watch this series now so make room on the therapy couch if you see me with any tic tacs! lym
Oh boy, I think you are just stir crazy...too much time on your hands I think. I have seen about 15 minutes of House and thought to myself, who needs this, another sarcastic egotistical male playing doctor :) I like you no matter which personality you choose to be like. Differential diagnosis, another word for "they don't know what ails you". Enjoy your posts Ty. Love, Aunt Sue
I hope you are just trying to be convincing, because as entertaining as House is, he is one lonely figure. The other thing is, this world is full of tragic, sarcastic, and just plain energy sucking people. It is pretty easy to be one, but I am impressed by somebody who doesn't need to be loved by all, especially when they are good and helpful to others just because.
I'm jealous u get to watch so much House, I like him too ;).
But I have come to really appreciate the happy positive personalities in my life, the energy they put into their lives is so inspiring.
Your are very entertaining Tyler.
Will you write a story on my blog? I asked the favor of everyone, so if you check you can read the stories people have left as comments, I am hoping for at least one from everyone I know.
Please??
By the way, that last comment was me, lina, just on Nathans computer.
So.. occasionally when I watch Family Guy... Brian reminds me of you. True, House is a better option, but you have to admit there are some similarities between House and Brian.
Tyler,
You crack me up!
Nathan
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